100 rants from bleach characters
by Cookie-the-Rookie
Summary: What do the bleach characters have to say about fanfiction and all its madness? Read to find out!
1. HITSUGAYA TOUSHIRO on ANNOYING PAIRINGS

100 rants from bleach characters:

1: HITSUGAYA TOUSHIRO on ANNOYING PAIRINGS

Why is it that people insist on pairing me up with Momo? We grew up together, I love her like a sister, NOTHING more.

Me and Matsumoto? _Right. _Our relationship is strictly professional… well maybe not completely professional, but I think of her as something akin to motherly sister.

Next up is… me and Kurosaki Ichigo? Even though I already know you people pair him up with _everyone, _must you pair him up with me as well? I think of Kurosaki as a disrespectful substitute shinigami. Nothing more. Though it is likely that one day he will have a seated position in one of our divisions, now he's just a substitute, and that is how I view him.

Kurosaki Karin and I have never _truly_ met. I don't know _where_ you people got the idea from that I play soccer with her and she and I are close friends, but that's not true. I can assure you that when I come to the human world I have more important things to do than deal with human girls.

Kuchiki Rukia is a fellow shinigami and _nothing _more. I do not have feelings for her, and the only reason I tried to stop her execution was because I knew it was set up by Aizen, _not _because I was madly in love with her.

_Me: The first in the series!_

_Toushiro: why am I here?_

_Me: Because you will end the chapter with me!_

_Toushiro: Fine. But I still have a lot of other topics that I want to discuss._

_Me: You will have another chance._

_Toushiro: OK._

_Me: Next up is … *Spins wheel*_

_Me and Toushiro: Rukia Kuchiki on IchiRuki and Renruki!_


	2. RUKIA on ICHIRUKI and RENRUKI

100 rants from bleach characters:

2: RUKIA on ICHIRUKI and RENRUKI

Why is it that you so called _authors _can't leave friends as friends? Why do you always have to force some romance on us?

Me and Ichigo are not in any kind of relationship. We are friends. Just friends! I lived in Ichigo's closet for weeks and he didn't notice, so I can assure everyone he's not some sort of sex fiend.

Then there's Renji. Renji is like a brother to me. We have a great relationship and that's that. To suggest us of being lovers is rather _disturbing _actually.

And also, please keep all the sixteen and pregnant fantasies to yourself.

_If you have any suggestions, please leave them as a review! _

_Next up is *spins wheel*  
Kaien Shiba on Kaien/Rukia and Kaien/Ichigo!_


	3. KAIEN SHIBA on KAIRUKI AND KAIICHI

100 rants from bleach characters:

3: KAIEN SHIBA on KAIRUKI AND KAIICHI

What is wrong with you people? Me and Rukia? I'm a married guy, dammit! And if I'm going to cheat on my wife, I sure as hell wouldn't do it with Byakuya Kuchiki's sister! We're subordinates!

…

Ichigo? Who's Ichigo?

_I never understood Kaien/Rukia._

_And yes, I brought Kaien back from the dead for this rant._

_Next up: Byakuya Kuchiki on Senbonzakura!_


	4. BYAKUYA KUCHIKI on SENBONZAKURA and SELF

100 rants from bleach characters:

4: BYAKUYA KUCHIKI on SENBONZAKURA and SELF INSERTS

…

My zanpakuto spirit is male.

….

Just because I have a pink shikai and bankai does not mean that I am gay, secretly love pink, have a pink fetish(?), or etc. my zanpakuto was given to me, I did not choose it.

…

And for the love of god, keep your 'regular' characters in their own worlds.(1)

Is a reference to how nearly every summary for self-insert starts off like "(insert name here) was a regular kid until yada yada yada happened"

_Next is Toushiro Hitsugaya on ooc._


	5. TOUSHIRO HITSUGAYA on OOC and RIDICULOUS

100 rants from bleach characters

5: TOUSHIRO HITSUGAYA on OOC and RIDICULOUS THEORIES

I am not a child. I may look like one, but my mentality is that of an adult. I have no secret childish side. My 'serious side' _is _my personality, and I would appreciate it if you stop portraying me like that in all of your stories.

….

Matsumoto is not my mother, nor is Gin my father, nor is Isshin Kurosaki my uncle, nor is Aizen my father, nor is…

I could go on all day, but the point is, the only family I have in all of soul society is Hinamori and Granny, and we're not even blood related.

Therefore I have no long lost sister.

_I can't stand it when people portray Toushiro as a child._

_Toushiro: Finally, someone I can agree with._

_Me: well then, will you do the honors with me?_

_Toushiro: fine._

_Toushiro and Me: The next rant is… Ichigo Kurosaki on Yaoi!_


	6. ICHIGO KUROSAKI on YAOI

100 rants from bleach characters

6: ICHIGO KUROSAKI on YAOI

…

I. AM. NOT. GAY.

I AM NOT GAY! IAM NOT GAY! I AM NOT GAY!

And even if I was gay, I wouldn't hook up with guys like Toushiro, (he looks like a kid!), Byakuya (He's an ass), Grimmjow(he nearly killed Rukia and he tried to kill me!), Ishida(he hates shinigami), Renji (he and I fight nearly all the time!), Kenpachi (OH HELL NO!), Hat-and-clogs (isn't he with Yoruichi?), Ulquiorra (he kidnapped Inoue), and worst of all, Aizen (he tried to kill everybody! Why in the hell would I like him!)

I've got enough on my plate already; the last thing I want right now is a relationship.

_Next up: Debate with Toushiro Hitsugaya on the topic… Hitsukarin!_

_The opposing team is: Toushiro Hitsugaya_

_The supporting team is: Fangirl1, Fangirl2 _

_Ichigo: isn't it unfair to go 2 against 1?_

_Me: He can handle it._

_Untill next time!_


	7. DEBATE WITH TOUSHIRO ON HITSUKARIN

100 Rants with Bleach Characters

7: SPECIAL CHAPTER!

DEBATE WITH HITSUGAYA TOUSHIRO on the topic HITSUKARIN

OPPOSING TEAM: TOUSHIRO

SUPPORTING TEAM: FANGIRL1 AND FANGIRL2

Fangirl1: welcome to our lovely debate!

Fangirl2: today we will be debating Hitsukarin!

Toushiro: stop saying that.

Fangirl2: what?

Toushiro: 'Hitsukarin'. It's ridiculous.

Fangirl1: no it's not!

Fangirl2: yeah!

Toushiro: yes it is.

Fangirl2: *ignoring Toushiro*Let me tell you all a story!

Toushiro: we're here to debate, not tell stories!

Fangirl2: when Toushiro and Karin met it was love at first sight!

Toushiro: no it wasn't!

Fangirl1: yes it was! Why else did you play soccer with her!

Toushiro: I didn't!

Fangirl2: yes you did! It was in the anime!

Toushiro: that was just a filler! It never actually happened in the manga!

Fangirl1: the what?

Toushiro: the manga!

Fangirl2: Bleach has a manga?

Toushiro: yes!

Fangirl1: I've never heard of it.

Fangirl2: neither have I.

Toushiro: wait a minute… you're telling me that neither of you read the manga!

Fangirl1 and Fangirl2: yep, that's about it.

Toushiro: and yet you are here!

Fangirl2: the manga doesn't really matter. More people watch the anime anyway.

Toushiro: it does matter!

Fangirl1: why?

Toushiro: because the anime was made from the manga. Everything that happened in the anime that didn't happen in the manga is a 'filler' and didn't really happen!

Fangirl1 and Fangirl2: *both gasp*

Toushiro: all of the moments between me and Karin that you speak of are just fillers from the anime. Therefore none of it really happened.

Fangirl1 and Fangirl2: …

Toushiro: do you understand?

Fangirl1 and Fangirl2: …

Toushiro: …

Fangirl1 and Fangirl2: …

Toushiro: …

Fangirl1: Hitsukarin is still the best pairing evar!

Toushiro: *Facepalms*

_You just can't get through to those fangirls!_

_Toushiro: I'll say._

_Up next: Ulquiorra on Ulquihime_


	8. ULQUIORRA CIFER on ULQUIHIME and GRIMMUL

100 rants from bleach characters

8: ULQUIORRA CIFER on ULQUIHIME and GRIMMULQUI

The human woman, Orihime, and I are not in a relationship. I was merely her caretaker in Hueco Mundo.

Also, Sexta and I were never and are not in a relationship. I do not fraternize with trash. If he were to attempt a sexual assault on me, I would simply kill him like the trash he is.

_Note: Ulquiorra was here for the ending credits, but he excaped using cero, so unfortunately there will be no ending credits today. The author wished to inform us that the next chapter would be hosted by a mystery guest. _

_Thank you for understanding._


	9. 9: UNOHANA on PAIRINGS

100 rants from bleach characters

9: UNOHANA on ROMANCE

I never engaged in romantic or sexual activities with Shunsui or Jyuushiro. It would be very appreciated if you fan fiction authors stopped saying I do. *smiles*

_I decided to replace this chapter after realizing how ridiculous it was._


	10. MAYURI KUROTSUCHI on WHAT IF

100 rants from bleach characters

10: MAYURI KUROTSUCHI on WHAT IF

I have been studying you humans and your 'fanfiction' and I have come to the conclusion that whenever an author starts off their summary with 'what if' the story turns out to be either intriguing or terribly horrible.

It's always one of those two.

_I don't know where that came from…_

_I know last time I said I would be doing Karin but I changed my mind._

_Also, I think I will do an interlude whenever I feel like it._


	11. GIN ICHIMARU on AIGIN

100 rants from bleach characters

11: GIN ICHIMARU on AIGIN

I joined Aizen with the intention to defeat him, NOT because I love him or because I was pregnant with his child(?). Sure, that wasn't the best way I could have dealt with that situation, but I did not do the horizontal tango with Aizen.

_Me: I don't know where people get these ideas from!_


	12. RUKIA KUCHIKI ON BYARUKIA

100 rants from bleach characters

12: RUKIA on BYARUKIA

Nii-sama is my brother, he thinks of me as his sister and I view him as my brother. Just because I look like his wife does not mean that we are in a relationship. We would never do something like that!

_I can't stand this pairing!_


	13. IZURU KIRA on GIN X IZURU

100 rants from bleach characters

12: IZURU KIRA ON GINXIZURU

…

I AM NOT GAY FOR MY CAPTAIN!

Just because I'm quiet and my hair is styled in a certain way does not mean that I'm gay, or that I'm an (and I quote) "super-sexy-uke", I like women, I always have and I always will. So get over it, because me and Ichimaru are never gonna happen.

…

_I decided to get the word out for Izuru even though I'm a shipper for this pairing._


	14. ESPADA on ROMANCE

100 rants from bleach characters

14: ESPADA on ROMANCE

We do not engage in sexual relationships with each other, Gin-sama, Ichigo Kurosaki, Aizen-sama, or Tousen-sama(?). Stop saying we do or else we will find you, and we can assure you it won't be pretty.

…

_I hate it when people do this!_


	15. AIZEN on RAPE

100 rants from bleach characters

15: AIZEN SOUSUKE on RAPE

I am not a rapist. I did have the human girl kidnapped to use her as a sex slave, I never engaged in sex with Gin, and _never ever _even considered having sex with Ulquiorra.

I am only interested in killing everybody; I am not looking for a sex slave, so come up with a new rapist for all of your ridiculous stories.

…

_You have no idea how tired I am of seeing this._


	16. HITSUGAYA TOUSHIRO: IM NO CHILD

100 rants from bleach characters

16: HITSUGAYA TOUSHIRO on CHILD

I believe I have said this before, but since you people refuse to listen to me I will say it again:

I am not a child, I am not a child, I am not a mother _fucking _child. I would not let anyone spank me or scold me like I am a child, nor would I let someone hit me for no reason.

And for God's sake, whenever it does happen in your stories, not putting warnings down that read 'child abuse.'

I am a captain, I worked for my position just like everybody else, and I deserve the same respect as all the other captains.

…

_I really have nothing to say down here._


	17. SHUUHEI HISAGI: I'M NOT A PERVERT!

100 rants from bleach characters

17: SHUUHEI HISAGI: I'M NOT A PERVERT!

I got my 69 tattoo out of respect for Kensei-sama, not because it's my favorite sex position, and my choker is a fashion statement. I'm not some sex fiend so please don't portray me like that in your stories!

…

Oh, and one more thing…

IM NOT GAY FOR ANYBODY! If it isn't obvious by now, I like Rangiku-san.

…..

_I have another story which is basically about Toushiro and self-harm. Check it out!_

_Piece out!_

_-Cookie-the-Rookie_


	18. 18: SOIFON on YORUICHIxKISUKE

100 rants from bleach characters

18: SOIFON on KISUKExYORUICHI

Yoruichi-sama would never engage in any sexual activity with Urahara Kisuke… stop writing that in your stories. Otherwise I will have them all removed from this site. I have my ways, believe me.

-)(-)

_This pairing is most likely cannon, but still, this is Soifon we're talking about!_


	19. 19: JINTA on URURUxJINTA

100 rants from bleach characters

19: JINTA on JINTAxURURU

…

…

WHO'S ON HERE LYING AND SAYING THAT I LIKE URURU!

I'LL POUND 'EM!

…

…

_I hope this was in-character. I haven't seen much about Jinta._


	20. 20: GRIMMJOW on GRIMMHIME

100 rants from bleach characters

20: GRIMMJOW on GIMMHIME

XXXXX

She healed my arm, alright! I don't like her just because of that!

Fucking retards.

XXXXX

_Can't stand this pairing!_


	21. 21: SZAYEL on HOLLOW PREGNANCY

100 rants from bleach characters

21: SZAYEL on HOLLOW PREGNANCY

Arrancar pregnancy… to my extreme displeasure is impossible. Believe me; I have tried _everything_ to make it possible. Female arrancars cannot carry children, they have no reproductive organs, and all reproductive organs I put in their bodies end up killing them.

Harribel cannot have children, her hollow hole is where her womb would be. In most of your stories, you say her hole closes up when she gets pregnant and she is therefore able to carry a child. There are many flaws in this story, but I will only name one: a hollow hole represents the hollow's heart, not their womb. Even if her hollow hole did close up, she would have a heart, not a womb. She specifically asked me to say this today.

The only way for an arrancar to be born is through the hougyoku, or through their own extreme power.


	22. 22: ALL MEN on GENDER BENDER

100 rants from bleach characters

22: ALL MEN on GENDER BENDER

We were born male, and unless Kubo-sensei decides to change our gender in another one of his plot twists, we will always be male. Please stop changing our gender.

_Read one genderbender fic tonight by mistake, it really pissed me off._


	23. 23: SHUNSUI KYOURAKU

100 rants from bleach characters

23: SHUNSUI KYOURAKU

It has come to my attention that the majority of you think I do nothing all day but sit on my ass and drink. That is not true. I'll have you know that womanizing is serious business. What time do I have to perform my duties as a captain when I have to remember the name and face of every beautiful woman in Seireitei? Which is a number that is increasing since the rise of gender-bender fanfiction. *winks* Keep up the good work, okay!

_I didn't put a topic to this because I had no idea what to put here. This is just Shunsui being Shunsui._


	24. 24: UKITAKE on FRIENDS and LOVERS

100 rants from bleach characters

24: UKITAKE on FRIENDS and LOVERS

…

Oh dear… I've read some of the stories here which have examples of Shunsui and me in a relationship. There are even more, but this one disturbs me the most because Shunsui is like a brother to me. We would _never _do anything like that. Have you seen him and his womanizing? Shunsui being gay is ridiculous _(so_ ridiculous he never addressed it in his rant).

I like women. I'll just say it simply now. I like women, and I always will. Just because I don't flirt with every woman I see does not mean that I am gay. Please get that in your skulls, because I think that if I see another 'fanfic' labeled 'ShunUki' I will have an attack.

There's one more thing… Rukia is not my lover. I did not, have not, and never will engage in anything sexual with her.

Retsu-chan and I are just friends, as are Shunsui and I.

That's just about it.

-Jyushiro Ukitake

…

_This is dedicated to the Guest reviewer._

_This letter is friendly because it's Ukitake talking._


End file.
